Dearest Kim and Kanye,
Congratulations on the latest little bundle of joy! All of America is enraptured by the news of your brand new son. It’s like our version of the royal baby, just way cooler and partially owned by the E! Network.
I know you’ve got a lot on your plate: Kanye is designing brand new baby clothes and Kim is busy assembling that damn IKEA bassinet. So we here at Trouble City have decided to help eliminate some of the busy work by creating a list of possible baby names for you. We might have a bias towards names related to movies and pop culture but we think you should find a few appropriate for your new son. Mavel toz!
Possible baby names for the latest Kardashian-West son:
Anakin
This name is associated with a pretty terrible dude but he did do a few good things too: he was the (estranged) father to the saviors of the universe AND he was a pretty good pod racer too. So it’s not all bad. Also, he was incredibly moody and prone to emotional outbursts — much like a certain father we know, Kanye...
Star-Lord
This one sounds a little pompous (and copywritten) when you first say it but the more and more you get used to it, the more it fits. It combines both of your professions: one of you is an internationally-known celebrity and the other has claimed to be God on several occasions.
Michael Corleone
If you’re looking for a son who carries his father’s legacy, there is no better name than Michael Corleone. Now, it didn’t go super smoothly for Michael so here’s hoping you make that transition easier, Kanye. Make sure young Michael knows he can do whatever he wants — maybe he’s a poet, maybe he is an actor, maybe he murders a crooked police officer in a quiet Italian restaurant. Be careful with your son if you choose this name, Kim and Kanye. And make sure to keep him away from anything colored orange. So I guess he won’t be accompanying you on any more trips to the Oval Office.
Jesus
Just think of how lovely this would be when he is taking his first steps, Kanye. I can see you shouting out now: “Hey, look, Jesus walks!”
Michelangelo (the ninja turtle)
No, we aren’t talking about the renowned Italian artist. We are most definitely trying to name your son after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. But, think about it: Michelangelo is a pretty cool dude. He knows martial arts, he has a wicked sense of humor, he respects his elders (both human and rat) and he has a great taste in food, as long as you eat pizza and only pizza. Plus the name sounds so elegant and regal — characteristics you love.
John Wick
Speaking of knowing martial arts, is there any tougher dude than John Wick? No, the answer is no. Let’s be honest, your new son is going to be a celebrity no matter what and with that comes a connotation of being weak and sheltered. John Wick is definitely neither of those things. He killed a dude with a pencil. Just naming him John Wick will instill a sense of fear into his enemies and other kids on the playground. It starts him off the right foot. It tells other celebrity children: Hey, don’t mess with me, even though my parents happen to be ridiculously rich and famous. And no matter what you do, DO NOT mess with my dog.
Aragorn
Again, a very graceful name that also happens to be the name of a king. This is the name of someone who can bring people together, including an army of ghosts so that’s a cool bonus. I don’t know if either of you are fans of Lord of the Rings but you don’t have to be to admire this name. Plus if he’s anything like the other Aragorn, he will live for a long time, insuring your family name is carried on for ages.
Bernie
Let’s be honest, you both have a lot of work to do if you want to appease your fans on the left. This name might seem a bit dated for a newborn but, trust me, it’ll go a long way to reassure people that you both haven’t gone totally off the deep end.
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Only name your baby this if you can go years without worrying about or seeing him.
Archie
Surely that one hasn’t been taken in a long time, right?