PSA's From Hell: Cartoon All-Stars To the Rescue
In the 1980s the War on Drugs was in full swing, with the United States leading the charge against narcotics across the globe. Unless you're delusional, you probably know by now that the War on Drugs has been an abysmal failure. However, America tried everything to steer its people away from drugs. The late 80s and early 90s gave us a plethora of anti-drug PSAs.
One such effort was brought about by Barbara Bush's "JUST SAY NO" initiative. It was called Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, which featured then-popular Saturday morning cartoon characters. It featured a heavily-scripted introduction from President Bush the 1st and his wife, and a dog that is long dead.
The irony here is that some of George's kids really liked doing the drugs.
This was a combined effort of various cartoon studios and licensed characters the likes of which has not been seen since. However, despite their best efforts, this 20-minute cartoon is pretty fucked up. First and foremost, if my favorite cartoon characters appeared before me and told me to stop doing drugs -- I'd probably be on drugs and therefore having a good trip.
In a Nutshell
This special follows the trials and tribulations of a kid named Michael, a teenager who is being pressured into doing drugs by a sentient cloud of cigarette smoke in a cheap suit. Worried for her brother's well-being, Corey enlists the aid of her favorite cartoon characters to convince him to give up drugs. Before I go into one of my patented critical analysis of something from your childhood, let's take a moment to take a critical look at these characters:
Alf
Note the lack of pants.
When I think about advocates for saying no to drugs, I think of an alien from outer space that wears Hawaiian shirts and has a taste for cats. Not only was Alf fond of eating cats, he even threatens to eat one in this cartoon. Yeah, they thought it was a good idea to pair up Alf with Garfield.
Also, can we talk about how traumatic seeing Alf in this cartoon would be to kids? Cartoon All-Stars came out the same year that the ALF sitcom ended. For those of you who don't recall, it is one of the most depressing sitcom endings of all time. It ends with Alf being captured by the government who plans to experiment on him!
Seeing Alf in this cartoon when it came out would have been like if the government finally arrests Edward Snowden and he is next seen in a PSA about cyber-security.
Who was the maniac who installed a lamp in this cat?
Garfield
Speaking of cats, as I already said, Garfield is in this one as well. Or more specifically, it is a sentient Garfield lamp. Nobody seems to be disturbed by this in the slightest. Nor does anyone bring up the fact that Alf rips off the lamp portion of the Garfield lamp. Can we also point out how much of a terrible role model Garfield is? He's lazy and a glutton. Clearly, he has an eating problem -- ergo an addiction -- so he should be the least trustworthy to teach your kids that they shouldn't do drugs.
The Smurfs
Then you have the Smurfs, who live in fucking mushrooms and are magical beings. Then there's the fact that there are many people out there that would argue that the Smurfs are a metaphor for Socialism. Some would disagree, but you can at least agree that the Smurfs are kind of a cult. They all dress the same, they all follow an infallible leader. As good-natured as they seem, you have to wonder if everything going on in the Smurf Village is above board. At the very least, you'd figure that the Bush's should have gone with a community of cute critters that has a democratic government.
Alvin and the Chipmunks
I don't know where to even start with how wrong it is to have Alvin and the Chipmunks in this thing. First of all, they are three.... children?... under the care of a grown man who exploits the fact that they sound funny singing popular songs.
"But Nick" you might be saying, "I'm not a grumpy cynic like you are!", okay fine, we'll play your game. Let's assume that Alvin and his brothers are willing participants in Dave's managing them as music sensations. Well, they're just a gimmicky cover band. You know what cover bands are known for? Drinking and doing lots of drugs. Which probably explains why Simon knows what marijuana smells like. If you still have any notion that the Chipmunks are wholesome woodland critters in people clothes, then you haven't seen the Chipmunk Adventure. Do it now. That movie is seven layers of fucked up.
Also, please note that the Chipmunks also don't wear pants.
Huey, Dewey, and Louie
NO. PANTS.
Also they're big on cultural appropriation.
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck
Hey, you know what these two Loony Tunes characters are well known for? Senseless violence. One of their hobbies is to trick a developmentally delayed hunter to shoot one of them in the face. Bugs Bunny makes a regular habit of identity theft for the purposes of committing assaults on others. You ever see what he has done using a skimpy outfit and a violin? Also, no pants.
Winnie the Pooh and Tigger (Too)
Oh bother! Again, there's a problem here: Winnie the Pooh is a slow-witted glutton, and I need not mention the pants situation with this idiot. Then there's Tigger. If there was ever a mascot for cocaine, it's Tigger.
Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Gonzo
Oh, and they're Muppet Babies, because, as we all know, babies know a lot about drugs. At least two out of three wears pants, so that is a refreshing change.
Slimer
Just remember, this is somebody's loved one.
Because there are not enough food obsessed characters in this PSA, they also tossed in Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters. Slimer doesn't even do anything to contribute to this story. He flies around a little bit. Says one line, and little else. Even Garfield did something in this special.
Anyway, this is not the most disturbing thing about Slimer. They establish that all these other cartoon characters come out of some kind of merchandise. Posters, books, records, etc. Slimer, however, comes out of a wall. So not only are these kids live in a world where drugs come to life and pressure them into doing them, they also find out that there is an afterlife, and when you die you become a floating booger with an eating disorder, living out eternity without pants. Shit, I'd want the sweet escape of hard drugs to try and ignore this horrid reality.
Michaelangelo the Ninja Turtle
Is he... flipping me off?
The big draw to this special, apparently, is only one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appears in it. Not all four. Just one. Michaelangelo appears long enough to say "Cowabunga, Dude!" a few times and cross his arms disapprovingly when talking about drugs. Of all the Ninja Turtles they could have picked, why is it the one that you would expect to be the most likely to be on drugs? Also, if Kevin Eastman and Peter Laired were stone cold sober when they created the Turtles, then I'll eat my pants. The point being, Mikey's brief appearance in this PSA makes it seem like he was caught doing some rock with the Rat King and was sentenced to do community service.
Why This PSA Doesn't Work
I'm not done with this PSA yet, its got so many layers. Like some kind of failure onion.
Five dollars in nickles! That will let me buy ALL the drugs!
They Clearly Didn't Know Anything About Drugs.
The story begins with Michael waking up early in the morning to steal his sister's piggy bank. That's when our motley crew of cartoon characters break the barriers between reality to help Corey find out who stole her money. After what seems like an eternity of character exposition, our cartoon characters go on a mental exercise to figure out who the thief is. Michael is obviously the thief. They also discover that Michael is doing drugs.
How do they know this? Certainly not by looking at them. I don't know what the animators thought drugs look like, but definitely not what ended up in the final product. What the hell are these supposed to be?
This is exactly why we farm out our animation to Asia now.
Breaking the Law in Time and Space
The following scene involves Michael and his friends smoking in a video arcade. Yeah, apparently they thought a place where they have machines that cost thousands of dollars would be lacking in adult supervision. They are joined by Smoke, a cloud of anthropomorphic smoke that came out of a cigarette. I think it's kind of funny that the one that is pushing illegal drugs is a stooge for Big Tobacco. Some of you out there might think this is bad, but at least Big Tabacco was looking into profiting on legalization decades before it was cool.
The kids make a run for it when they hear police sirens and immediately think that the cops are after them. The kids run and Michael is bailed on when he is cornered by what appears to be a police officer. It's not, it's Bugs Bunny in disguise. They knew impersonating a police officer is against the law, right?
Anyway, Bugs Bunny decides to learn when Michael started getting hooked on drugs. To accomplish this, he pulls out a time machine and the pair go back in time to see that day. There they witness Michael getting pressured into smoking cigarettes, because apparently that is a gateway drug.
"Hey, maybe we can convince my younger self to stay away from drugs!"
"But I ain't done rubbing your nose in it, Doc!"
Hold on a second, you have the power to go back in time and you're not going to talk Michael out of drugs until after he's got a huge monkey on his back? What's wrong with you? Why even stop there? If you got this sort of ability, maybe eliminate all drugs before they were made? Stop 9/11? At the very least you should go back in time and make Baby Trump kill Baby Hitler. You're trying to teach this kid how he's wasting his potential when you're using your own as a clunky flashback device.
Michael's Parents are Catastrophically Ignorant
I should also point out that he is checking his beer at breakfast time.
We then cut to a scene with Corey and her parents. Michael's dad goes through the fridge and notices that there are a few too many beers missing. His wife passes this off as her husband not remembering how much he drank the day before. Seriously? First of all, if you're suggesting your husband forgets how much he drinks, he may have a problem. Also, you're not making the obvious connection between the missing beer and your teenage son? When Corey brings any of her concerns, they're like "Oh well Michael is going through changes". Did the writers get confused and begin writing a puberty PSA for a second?
Is This Really a Bad Trip?
Meanwhile, Michael manages to run away from Bugs Bunny and does some drugs with Smoke and one of his friends. He then begins tripping out and falls in the sewers. It's here that he is confronted by Michaelangelo. After spouting some catchphrases, he also lectures Michael some more about drugs. Because a genetically mutated turtle that eats nothing but pizza is a totally legit voice of reason. When Michael doesn't buy it, the Ninja Turtle pulls a giant drain, nearly drowning Michael. I've heard of scaring someone straight, but don't you think that attempting to drown a kid in the cities piss and shit kind of excessive?
What? Did you think this was tang and cotton candy or something?
Michael then finds himself "inside his brain" where the Muppet Babies show him the effects of the drugs he is on. This is represented by a roller coaster. Seriously PSA? I'm going to have to stop you there. If you're telling me that if I do drugs I get to go on a roller coaster ride in my brain with Muppets, that's not a deterrent, that's a selling point. Probably realizing this, the writers make this dangerous by showing that, in the real world, Michael is trying to skateboard while high. To this, I call shenanigans: Find me a skateboarder who doesn't get high and I will call you a liar, sir. As you'd expect, Michael wipes out. Instead of checking to see if Michael has a concussion or anything, the cartoon characters crowd around him and start singing a song.
The Biggest Argument Against Sobriety
Yeah, this thing has a musical number. Try getting this out of your head:
If you skipped the video (smart!) allow me to recap it for you: It's a monotonous and repetitive song about all the "wonderful" ways to say no. However, they offer up some bizarre suggestions. Here are the five weirdest ones:
- Tigger: Spit in their eye
- Alf: My kid sisters hampster died
- Michaelangelo: Complain about how rough homework is
- Winnie the Pooh: Fake sneeze and claim you have allergies.
- Miss Piggie: Assault the person.
Get some anger management, and pants, you whore.
Point number 5 is the last suggestion they make. Basically, Miss Piggy is trying to get in something edgewise while all the male characters are singing over her. She eventually loses her temper and high kicks the camera.
They're advocating kids assaulting people who offer them drugs. That smacks of an ill-advised idea. I wonder how many kids who watched this tried to high kick their local pusher only to get shanked with a switchblade immediately after?
As you'd expect, the song doesn't convince Michael of anything.
Carnival of Stupid Souls
This is when this intervention starts getting real. Michael still isn't convinced that drugs are bad for him. So the cartoons having him go through a funhouse filled with buzzsaws and other deadly traps. Since they're okay with assaulting people, I'm hardly surprised that they have built Jigsaw level death traps.
The final wake-up call for Mikey is seeing what he will look like if he keeps doing drugs:
GOOD EVENING BOILS AND GHOULS! TONIGHT'S TERROR TALE IS SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO CALL "CAR-BOO!-N ALL-SCARS TO THE WREST-SKEW." EH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Michael returns home and stops Smoke from convincing Corey to try drugs. With their foe vanquished, the cartoon characters all jump into a poster, considering it a job well done.
But Seriously: Why This PSA Doesn't Work
This PSA takes the "just say no stance" and considers the job done when Michael, who is already addicted to drugs swears them off. That's not even a sliver of the work ahead for this poor kid. Remember, he's been popping strange pills and keeping weird sock sushi rolls in a box. This kid has probably experimented with just about everything.
First of all, going cold turkey and talking to your parents do sweet fuck all to cure you of your addiction. Like 3 million other habitual drug users in the United States, Michael is going to go through withdrawal symptoms. At the very least he's going to have the sweats and nausea as bad as, if not worse, than food poisoning. Worst case scenario he's going to have to go to the hospital and get treatment. Also, where will the Cartoon All-Stars be when Michael needs more help? If this kid doesn't go to addictions councilling he has a 75-90% chance of relapsing into his addictions. You'll note that the Cartoon All-Stars didn't mention any of this to Michael during their song and dance routine.
To put it bluntly, the "Just Say No" mentality only works if the kid doesn't already have a monkey on his back. What are they trying to say here? That Michael is a lost cause and it's Corey who is learning an important lesson? Because a lot of studies suggest that "anti-social" behavior of an elder sibling (such as doing drugs) can influence a younger sibling to do the same thing. Maybe they should have brought Corey along on their little carnival of horrors. At least their scared straight tactics would have a better chance of working on her. Actually, maybe not, I mean a ghost flew into her room and she didn't even blink, so I suspect this kid has seen some shit.
Love Lifted Me, Into Drugs
I guess you can say I have a lot of hatred towards this PSA. Some may even think that I am downright hostile toward it. You'd be right. See here's the thing kids... This PSA was partially funded by Ronald McDonald House, a charity that helped underprivileged and differently abled children. At the end of Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, there is a promo for RMH that features a bunch of kids singing a song called "Love Lifted Me". Here's one of the kids:
That's right folks, that's me. I thought this little commercial was going to be my big break. I was going to be the highest grossing albino in Hollywood. Unfortunately, that never came to pass. Sure, I'd have people stop me on the street and ask "Hey, aren't you that 'Love Lifted Me' kid?" but that was usually followed by a punch in the face because the person asking couldn't get the song out of their head. I became a one-hit wonder. Hollywood only had room for one albino, and I got beat out by Michael Bowman. Sure, Bowman did a great job playing Whitey in Me, Myself and Irene, but that doesn't stop me from still being bitter. That's when I stumbled into drug abuse. I used to do lines of Flintstone vitamins when I was a kid, just to take the edge off during auditions. I started drinking Labatt 0.5, because that 0.5% alcohol really packed a punch when you weighed 40 pounds. It all spiraled out of control. Suddenly, I found myself on Sunset Boulevard giving blowjobs for whippets. I hit rock bottom at age 10. Swallowing my pride, I left Hollywood and returned to the family farm in Iowa where I have lived out a decent living having people stare at me for a nickel. It's not an easy life, but it's a living. Sometimes though, sometimes, I look up at the stars and imagine what it would have been like if I was rich and famous.
Where did love lift me? Into a world of misery and drugs. After years of rehab, I am finally clean. There are hard days though. Whenever I see a box of Flintstone vitamins I suddenly feel like I need to take a dump and I can almost taste those cherry Dinos. Whenever I travel internationally, I still habitually check my currency for Banana Bam-Bam residue before I go into customs. Sometimes it seems so easy to just have me a Yabba-Dabba-Doo-Time, but somehow, someway, I manage to fight the urge for one more day.
I hope you can learn something from my struggles.
