5 Fan Theories That Are Not As Mindblowing As You Think
The internet is a cesspool of speculation and just like the Trump administration it is a swamp that should, but will never be drained and you're a sucker for buying into it. In the mire and muck of speculation, there exists something even sadder. I am talking about fan theories. There are people who spend hours of their lives deconstructing some piece of entertainment, putting more thought into it than the creators did, to write a sprawling fan theory. It's like Stephen Hawking theorizing about the secrets of the universe using math, only you're theorizing the motivations of a fictional character based on an off the cuff comment.
It's a masturbatory exercise in the hopes that someone important realizes you know more about the thing they get paid to write about so they can take the idea and cut you a basic work for hire check. Just ask the guy at spiderfan.org that did the fan theory about Gwen Stacy having an affair with Norman Osborn. Which J. Michael Strazinsky incorporated from his Spider-Man run. He probably made a few hundred bucks, if that. But it's not like you're getting residuals and it's also not like anyone is going to remember you pioneered that idea over a decade later. I only remember because I am bitter and angry and recognize you're not going anywhere in life and I like being proven right.
Anyway, the whole fan theory thing falls under five specific tropes, because fan theorists have zero original ideas otherwise they'd be creating something new and different instead of spinning popular culture like Fox News spins facts to fit their agenda.
5) The Character Everyone Hates is Actually Evil, Because Reasons!
Name a franchise, there is always a character everyone hates. Be it Jar Jar Binks, Westley Crusher, the geeky guy from Supernatural who became a werewolf, and so on. So some people come up with wild theories that they are secretly evil masterminds behind the struggles the not-annoying protagonists have to face. The most prolific of these is, of course, the Jar Jar Binks theory that suggests that this CGI Minstrel Show was somehow a secret Sith Lord. The genesis of this theory? The fact that Jar Jar Binks has similar eyes to other Sith Lords. Then they start deconstructing every nuance of the character to find moments where the jibbering idiot does something that seems out of character. The reality of the situation is that George Lucas is an inconsistent filmmaker. End of story. You think he cared enough about the Star Wars franchise to be consistent with his characters? As long as he kept making bank, he could give a shit. The entire prequel trilogy was a god damn mess, and you think Lucas had the foresight to create a multilayered character like that? We're talking about the guy who thought Han Solo shooting first was a good idea. The fact that you could connect inconsistencies and try to make sense out of them is just an unforeseen coincidence.
4) Two Shows Exist In the Same Universe, Because Props!
As kids, we all enjoyed having all our toys in the same sandbox, and this has also led to a number legit cross-overs between shows across various genres. It happens all the time, but fans also have a habit of trying to make connections between one show and the other based on small little tidbits. The most prevalent one these days is the theory that suggests that Breaking Bad is a prequel to the Walking Dead. Some people even go as far as to suggest that Walter White's Blue Sky Meth was responsible for the zombie apocalypse. How do fans make this stretch? Because in one episode there is blue meth and a red car.
Instead of accepting it as a nod-and-wink between two popular shows that aired on the same network, fans have tried to spin it into something that it's not. Props get re-used all the time in film and in television. It's cheaper than making something completely new. Why create more fake meth when you've got a prop guy that already has some? It's not the only re-used prop on the Walking Dead. There are episodes where people are smoking Morley brand cigarettes. Nobody has seen that and made a theory suggesting that the Walking Dead shares the same universe as the X-Files, which would actually make a lot more sense than the Breaking Bad.
3) These Characters Are Secretly Dead!
Fan theorists have a weird obsession with death. That's the only answer to why they can look at a goofy show like Fresh Prince of Bel Air and suggest that Will Smith died and he's really in the afterlife. Because the after life is just like living with rich relatives that don't understand you.
Or how about Bob's Burgers where a theory suggests that the kids are dead. Since everyone is interacting with them they have a really mellow attitude toward ghosts.
These series bank on the idea that there is no way tht any of these wacky shenanigans could ever happen in real life. But we'll get into that soon.
2) Everyone Be Fucking in Secret
This is another common fan theory trope. Where characters secretly have sex with other characters. The best example is Full House of all things. The theory suggests that since Danny Tanner and his dead wife have dark hair, yet their children are all blonde. The "obvious" explanation, Uncle Joey is secretly the father. Because HE has blonde hair. This is stupid if you know anything about genetics.
Here's a point of relation: my parents and siblings all have brown hair. I'm blonde. Did my mom fuck an albino? Nope. My grandparents had blonde hair. The blonde hair gene is a recessive gene and can skip a generation or two before it pops up again.
1) The Main Character Is Secretly God or Jesus or Both.
This theory rears its ugly head when a character, usually a cartoon, can survive countless injuries, does crazy things, and meets celebrities all the time. The whole world seems to start and stop with that character.
If you're thinking Homer Simpson, you figured it out. Congrats. But also name any mildly to totally anime character and you are also on the right track. Also, Robocop apparently.
They have to be a character of religious proportions because of all the things they do is so out of the ordinary. Has nothing to do with the fact that a movie or TV show about some normal slob living their day-to-day would be fucking boring.
Fan theories, no matter how compelling, are stretches at best. To make my point, here are 5 Theories About People Who Write Fan Theories.
5) Your Theory is Bullshit Nonsense.
Why are all fan theories bullshit? Because they rely on taking a piece of fiction too seriously. The only reason why you're writing fan theories is because you have no concept of suspension of disbelief or artistic license.
It's why you spend so much time trying to explain every minute fragment of things. That's the same equivilant as people who dissect the Bible and shoot abortion doctors or make "God Hates Fag Signs" You're in the same league as those people.
Maybe you're not shooting people or writing hate speech (but god knows some of you will) however, you're still interpreting things to follow your narrative. That said, if you are trying to find a different narrative from something that is a product of someone else's imagination, well you're just as delusional as people who interpret something fiction to justify violence.
4) Nobody Important Cares About Your Idea.
Let's be honest here: we live in a day and age where fans know more about a franchise than the people who actually get paid to add to it. Congratulations, you are now unworkable.
The universal law of entertainment is that Hollywood, the comic book industry, and television only hire people who have a fresh take on their property. By fresh, I mean it hits every demographic they are trying to sell. Doesn't matter if you like or hate it. They know you'll spend money on it before you know any better. Just ask George Lucas. After the original Star Wars trilogy he made a mint retooling old.movies or making new ones that nobody wanted.
I know what you're saying right now: what about Kevin Smith or Joss Whedon? They are mega nerds that got to write about stuff they know and love. Yeah, they did, however they proved themselves by doing their own shit first. They proved themselves as money makers and/or cult icons first. If you're writing fan theories in your basement whilst covered in Dorito dust, you're not going to get there. Ever. Come up with some original ideas that make a shit ton of money, then MAYBE they'll talk to you.
3) Your Idea is Too Personal
Remember when I was talking about how people interpret shit their own way? Well that's your theory in a nut shell. Doesn't matter how many up votes you get on Reddit, or how many fan sites share your idea (for zero money BTW) Your idea is personal and means, too personal even for anyone out side of your niche audience cares about. As I said above, the companies that own the stuff you love want to maximize their profits by being as accessible to as many demographics as possible. So your Uncle Joey sex fiction or your ghost child theory is so specific there is no money in it unless some already paid writer does a one off episode about whatever your fan boner is about.
2) Your Idea Isn't New
In their 1997 season, Rosanne jumped the shark because the typically poor as shit family won the lottery and got to do crazy shit. However, the season finale ended with it all being a story written by Rosanne because her husband Dan died a year prior of a heat attack.
It was an awful season, unless you want to use it as a metaphor for fan theories. If can't figure out my meaning, that is why you are writing fan theories.
1) You Are Going to Die Alone
Just like the rest of us. The only difference between a crotchety asshole like me and you fan theory morons is this: I am honest enough with myself to know that my writing will resonate with a marginally small amount of people and by the time I am dead nobody will hail me as a genius of popular culture. My ideas die with me, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
