The Most Effed Up Episodes of Forensic Files
Fair Warning: This article has some REALLY dark humor. Reader Beware.
I am addicted to true crime shows. One of my favorite shows was Forensic Files because it had the right combination of real life images and reenactments. Also, the episode titles were puns based on the story, so I thought that was hilarious. The show ran for 14 seasons (under one name or another) between the years 1996 to 2014. For a long-running true crime show, they really had to try hard and find true stories that were unique and interesting. Sometimes it led to tales that were so bizarre that you couldn't help but laugh because they were so ridiculous. The best part is, almost every episode is officially available on YouTube for free, so you can check out what I find so damn funny. Here are some of the most fucked up episodes of Forensic Files I have ever seen.
Treads and Threads
My Title For This Episode: Tobacco Pug!
This episode of Forensic Files is the story of a Florida serial killer who enjoyed murdering sex trade workers. This episode starts off pretty standard forensic shore fare. Strangulation, ligature marks, fiber samples, tire treads. However, that's when things get weird. See one of his victims had the remains of a cigarette butt on her body that had some strange DNA. What did the killer in? His girlfriend's pug dog. Wait, what?
What we find out is that this couple had a habit of tossing their cigarette butts on the ground of their apartment. The pug dog did what dogs do: eat shit off the ground. In a weird twist of fate, the pug developed a nicotine addiction and would eat any cigarette butts it found find, leaving little bits of paper and filter all over the house.
The killer would bring the prostitutes home and kill them on the floor and one of his last victims got one of those chewed up cigarette butts stuck on her body.
Shopping Spree
My Title: Mosh Dancing Murderer
To be honest, the story to this is rather heart breaking. A mother and her infant daughter are strangled to death by a creepy guy who works in a clothing store. However, where this episode goes off the rails is when the narrator (the late Peter Thomas) starts describing some of the killer's hobbies and habits. This episode makes a particular point to mention that he was into vampires, Dungeons and Dragons, as well what the narrator calls "Mosh Dancing". Peter Thomas then goes to explain what "Mosh Dancing" is. Then there are the suggestions that D&D influenced his capacity for murder.
“Mosh dancing was a popular fad at the time. Which involved a crowd of dancers slamming into one another.”
Keep in mind that this episode came out in 2001. People were still reeling from the Columbine school shooting and it was easier to find scapegoats to blame for the killer's actions. Anyway, the killer was this greasy lump of flesh named Caleb Fairley. For a show about forensics, they go off point trying to profile this guy and it is hilariously bad. It's like listening to an old person complain about what's wrong with the youth of the day. This wouldn't be the only time Forensic Files would try to demonize D&D,
Time Will Tell
My Title: Double O Daddy
Pop quiz hotshot: You are wanted in your home country for embezzlement what do you do? Do you:
- A) Flee the Country
- B) Murder a guy and steal his identity
- C) Have Your Daughter Pretend to Be Your Wife
- D) All of the Above
If you chose D, congratulations, you might be Albert Johnson, the subject of this episode. Johnson fled Canada after embezzling a ton of money. He fled to England where he murdered a guy and stole his identity. Not only that, but he had his then 15-year-old daughter pose as his wife. Obviously, he was eventually caught, but what makes this episode fucked up is the fact that Johnson and his daughter had two children with them. It has been confirmed that Johnson's daughter was the mother of the kids, but to date, the identity of the father has not been publicly revealed.
First of all, the only thing I can say about what they are implying is "ew". The daughter may not have been a willing participant in all of this, so I won't rip on her but the dad, wow, just wow. At what point in your master criminal scheme does that (allegedly) become part of the plan?
Dirty Little Secret
My Title: Hot Tub Double Header
This episode tells the story of Erika and Benjamin Sifrit. They were the kind of couple that did everything together. This also included louring another couple back to their home and then murdering them. That in and of itself isn't the strangest part about this murder. Ben, feeling a little romantic after their double murder, -- according to this episode -- decapitated their victims and tossed them into the bathroom jacuzzi tub. Did I mention that said tub was full of water and had a naked Benjamin Sifrit in it? Murder, you're soaking in it. Now I don't know about you ladies out there, but mixing murder time with sexy time doesn't really do it for me. However, I figure it would be something like Henry the 8th's track record meets the pool sex scene in Showgirls.
Bad Blood
My Title: Paging Doctor Rape
John Schneeberger was a doctor that lived in Saskatchewan, Canada. Now, before you start feeling sorry for this bastard, keep in mind that he drugged and raped one of his patients. Said patient insisted that this happened, but nobody would believe her. Multiple blood tests turned up negative. Sadly, the police filed this case under "Oh, you must be a slut" and the court of public opinion thought she was trying to bring down a pillar of the community. I'm sure there were a lot of shameful glances when Schneeberger's wife ratted him out for drugging and diddling his step daughter. This time the authorities took three DNA samples and surprise, surprise, it matched the sample taken from the patient's case as well.
Well, how did Schneeberger pull it off? Like some kind of DNA Houdini, he surgically implanted a Penrose drain filled with another patient's blood sample into his arm. The most outrageous part of this con? The authorities let him draw his own blood, then filed that evidence under "Seems Legit" and called it a day. They even had video footage of the dirt bag drawing blood where you can clearly see a tube sticking out of Schneeberger's skin!
As an aside: The victim in this story laments that he only got six years for raping her, saying that the Canadian justice system doesn't have strong enough laws. Since this episode the Canadian government was all like "Yeah, that's not harsh enough" and sexual assault can land you 25 to life in prison. Although Schneeberger got a relatively easy prison sentence, according to Wikipedia, he ended up getting stripped of his medical license, and his wife divorced him. She also ratted him out to Canadian Immigration, as John had immigrated from Africa. John was deported to South Africa where he apparently lives with his mother, who I suspect sleeps with one eye open. If we can take any solace, it's in the fact that South Africa has a really high murder rate, so perhaps the odds will work out in our favor.
Anyway, that concludes this trip down memory lane for me. If there are any other episodes you think were pretty fucked up, write them in the comments below, because sharing is caring.
