Quick, Make These Adaptations Before Trump Kills Us All

We have maybe half a year before President Trump wipes us all out. It's an unfortunate but inevitable truth we all must grapple with. Yes, we will lose all our earthly possessions, loved ones and skin but more importantly we will miss out on so many potential movie adaptations. All those chances at fan-casting: gone! Online arguments about minutia: vanished! Thinkpiece after thinkpiece comparing the source material to the movie: not to be! 

But, hey, there's still time right? While we know Trump will bring about the destruction, we don't know exactly when. Plus Hollywood often moves at a breakneck speed so there is still time for those coveted adaptations that have never properly been cracked. Whether based on a book, a game or comic book, these are just some of the dream projects that need to be made before we all live in a hellish landscape full of misery flesh-eating maruaders.

 

The Stand

This is the adaptation that needs making. I say this as a fan of cinema, a fan of books and a rabid, fanatical devotee of Stephen King. Called the American Lord of the Rings by many, The Stand is perhaps one of the densest, most engaging, most re-readable novels ever written. It's King's best work (no question) and packed to the gills with action and horror and memorable characters. As you surely know, the plot revolves around the end of civilization due to a government-created super virus that graphically wipes out 99.9% of humanity. The survivors are then tasked with defeating King's ultimate villain, Randall Flagg, while attempting to build some sort of society. I know, it sounds like fun stuff.

Many directors and writers have attempted to crack this nut but The Stand has never become a film. It was a watered down TV mini-series in the 90's (co-starring Matt Frewer!) but a meaty adaptation hasn't happened. With It and The Dark Tower on the horizon, now is the perfect time for someone to make a multiple-film or TV version of King's magnum opus. It would also be perfect timing because it would be nice to see characters banding together to take down pure, egotistical evil hellbent on destroying all that is good in the world. And, no, I'm not comparing Randall Flagg to Donald Trump.

Trump would never wear a jean jacket.

Ex Machina

Brian K. Vaughan's Ex Machina comic series is like Superman meets The West Wing. I know that comparison has been made a couple million times but, dammit, it's the truth. Vaughan's terrific book is about an ex-supehero who has transitioned from costumed crusader to mayor of New York City. But just because he swapped the super suit for a business suit doesn't mean the world isn't still a dangerous place. 

Ex Machina ran for awhile and was always able to balance the fantastic with real-world issues that would be at home on a network TV drama. A faithful adaptation would fit perfectly on AMC or HBO and could last for ages. Plus it would be so refreshing to see a larger-than-life celebrity become a politician and do a good job. One can dream right?

Bone

Time for some truth: Jeff Smith's Bone is probably the greatest comic book in the history of civilization. Therefore it only makes sense that this finally gets turned into a movie before we're all huddled around a fire and eating grandma for sustenance. Unlike the upcoming nuclear war with North Korea, Bone is a joyful, heartfelt and fun yarn about a young, optimistic fella named Fone Bone (imagine a fluffy white cloud in human form) who goes on an adventure full of danger, romance and action galore. When you finish this massive tome, you'll want to pick it right back up and start over. It's written with such love and care and enthusiasm that it'll make you want to grab a stranger and thrust the book into their hands. 

Some have called this treasure Lord of the Rings for kids (I know, a lot of people like to compare stuff to LOTR) but that doesn't do Bone justice. Will kids dig it? Absolutely but it's truly a marvel for all ages. This is one that can be passed down from generation to generation of comic book fans. It would make such a terrific animated film that the entire family could enjoy. We need more entertainment like that since soon we'll all be spending a lot of time with our family members inside boarded-up, dark houses brandishing shotguns and fighting off raiders. Hooray for family! 

Blacksad

The brilliant comic series Blacksad, from creators Juan Díaz Canales and Juanjo Guarnido, is so absolutely perfect for an adaptation - especially right now. Yes, the book is about a giant black cat who happens to be a detective. Yes, he investigates an underworld filled with other anthropomorphic animals doing dark and violent things. And, yes, the entire series is told in the style of film noir. Does a lot of that sound silly? Well, yes, yes it does. But guess what? Blacksad is terrific.

The series deals with some heavy topics: racism, Communism, police brutality and corruption. This is not a comic for children. It's like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? but it heavily leans into its adult themes. So imagine this as an animated film that is really for grown-ups. The art style alone is begging to be adapted. This thing would be a home run on the big screen. It would also be an appropriate reminder of how good people can make a difference in a world filled with rotten people and their rotten intentions. At the very least the film would be colorful and bright in a world filled with heavy grey and eternal misery. So that's good.

Bioshock

Gosh we have been waiting a long time for a Bioshock adaptation, haven't we? Ever since it set the video game world on fire, Bioshock has been that project that just couldn't get off the ground despite a lot of interest from some very talented people.

Set in a devasted underwater city, Bioshock follows the aftermath of a world destroyed by greed, selfishness and political power gone mad. It's incredibly bleak, scary and violent - a lot like the world we would be living in after our fearless leader fires off one too many tweets and causes an atomic hailstorm. 

The time is now for a Bioshock movie. Why? Well, because many of the themes explored in the game are sadly reflected in our current political landscape. A bunch of rich people gaining (super)power while the underclass falls by the wayside? Doesn't that remind you of something? As we careen to a apocalyptic landscape full of everyone looking out only for themselves, Bioshock serves as a reminder that the center cannot hold if an entire group of people are treated unfairly for so long. It's something both Tea Party folk and Bernie Sanders fans can respect!

There are countless other books and games and comics that should be converted to film but time is running out. If The Donald decides to keep running his mouth and bring about Revelations, let's hope he does it after these projects are made. I swear to God, if I die before seeing The Stand on film I'm going to be incredibly angry.