Cobra Internal Audit
Dear Mr. Commander,
First, let me personally thank you for choosing Rothman and Associates to conduct an internal audit of the Cobra organization. We have been providing professional and comprehensive audits so that a corporation can maximize profitability, productivity, and improve relations between employers and employees.
After a comprehensive review of your business operations, we are shocked to discover that your business is faring very poorly. We are actually surprised that you have managed to stay in business for over 30 years! We have examined every aspect of your company and have identified the following areas that need major improvement. They are as follows:
The Cash Flow Problem
The first item we would like to address is that the Cobra organization has had a history of financial problems. We have examined the ledgers going back to 1983 and we were surprised with the findings. We have noted that Cobra first started as a pyramid scheme in order to generate funds. While this may have worked in the early 80's, we find that this is no longer a feasible means of generating income.
The original Cobra business model.
While the current political climate would allow for a "them-against-us" mentality, unfortunately, Cobra has been out of the propaganda game far too long. Frankly, reaffirming your branding and raising your social media profile are too costly to maintain at your current budget.
We would like to point out some of the more outlandish expenses found in our audit. Please cease any plans to continue these practices:
Stop Trying to Replace Currency
Part of the cash flow problem within your organization started with a scheme to destroy all currency and replace it with one created by Cobra. This plan included burning all physical currency and replacing it with Cobra branded currency made out of gold coins. While this was great to raise awareness of Cobra's branding, it did little to generate any actual income for the organization.
Market research indicates that Americans had changes in currency. How did the people in your organization not know this? Haven't you heard of the two dollar bill? The one dollar coin? Where do you think you are, Canada?
1 Cobra cost about $80 to make.
This was a brazen move that did not work. The Cobra was worthless. NYSE lists as being worth less than the Vietnamese Dong. Based on the fact that your currency is worth less than one that is hilariously named after a penis should be a strong indicator that you need to make changes.
Reduce Cost By Eliminating Unnecessary Spending
Going over your financial ledgers we have noted that a number of Cobra business campaigns have been exceedingly costly. The prime problem involves excessive spending and garish purchases. Our cost-based analysis has identified three areas where Cobra has been wasteful in their expenditures.
Single Purpose, One-Use Property Acquisition.
One of the primary sources of fiscal waste is the purchase of properties that are only used once, and usually destroyed. Please refer to the following examples:
Acquisition #0112 - The Funhouse
Your average funhouse franchise costs roughly $1.7 million, plus $1.8 million in liquid assets.
1 million branded balloons at $5 per balloon = $5 million. Each Balloon holds 4 gallons of gas. 1 gallon of PCP costs $15,000. 180 balloons per gallon at a cost of $83,333,333.33
However, in the construction of a Cobra fun house, you hired a team of engineers to repurpose an ancient Aztec temple, on a remote island into a fun house that included animatronic robots, various trap doors, assorted traps, as well as branded balloons filled with hallucinogenic gas.
Your average pyramid costs about 5 billion to construct. Unfortunately, there are no market numbers on the cost of a 3000-year-old pyramid, but we figure it would be quite costly. Trying to upgrade said pyramid to facilitate the technology used, would take at least three to six months. Billable hours for unionized electricians go for $54 per hour, $150 per hour for plumbers, $35 per hour for stonemasons, and $500 per hour on trap door technicians. For an 8 hour work day, five day work week would cost $29560. This would cost at least $354720 for the entire construction project.
This is not including the travel expenses, which are strangely unavailable.
Based on the report, the gross capital gain from this project would have been 60 billion dollars. However, the fiscal goal was not met and the assets were destroyed or wasted. For example, the $83 million in PCP was used on two individuals and only one balloon was burst. This was an excessive waste as the quantity of the drug could have dosed nearly 700,000 individuals.
Impractical Purchases
When it comes to acquiring military-grade assets, your organization commissions some of the most impractical and functionally useless devices ever used.
Acquisition #6170
Seriously, what the hell does this thing even do?
Why are you placing your employees in what can only be a piloted ballistic missile? The personal liability insurance alone is astronomical.
This device cost over 60 billion dollars in research and development. This is not considering regular maintenance and armaments.
Based on the information available of the 500 that were made, only one was ever used and it was discontinued immediately.
You spent 60 billion dollars on something a falconer could have done for a minimal cost?
Wasteful Employees
The biggest waste of company capital is coming from select employees within the organization. Please review the financial activities of the following employees:
Destro
Upgrading Destro's mask from steel to gold increased costs by 2,328,564 %
An audit of the activities of Destro indicates a high level of irregular transactions. Upon his employment in 1983, we noted that his contract included waxing of both his mask and his chest. During a 1991 performance review, he awarded himself a new mask made out of gold. Due to the weight of the mask, Destro has complained of neck and back pains and has been a drain on the company health insurance policy since.
Lastly, we found that Destro in a position of conflict of interest with regards to his side business in arms dealing. Reports indicate that as Cobra's primary arms provider he has been overcharging for purchases due to a lucrative exclusivity contract that Destro completed for his own company.
Serpentor
Genetically engineering the perfect dictator only to turn him into a giant lizard is not advisable.
Lastly, we have Serpentor, who is by far the most wasteful employee of the organization. Based on the records on file, it seems he was genetically engineered using DNA from some of history's greatest generals. Genetic engineering a human embryo costs $12000 at least . I'm not sure how it would cost to extract usable DNA from 10 different donors who have been dead for centuries. Not including travel costs, the genetic engineering, particularly speeding up the development of the embryo to adult age. The cost involved is astronomical. Our best guess is that this entire process (including the purchase of equipment, R&D, manhours, etc) would have cost 3 trillion dollars at the time. Adjusting for inflation that would be over 6.6 trillion dollars today.
This would have been all well and good, however, according to the employee file Serpentor was turned into a Komodo Dragon and then cooked on a barbecue about six years into his tenure. While we are unsure what the retail market is on 100 lbs of Komodo Dragon meat, we can assure you that it is not equal to the expense incurred procuring this employee. While it may be a moot point at this late juncture, we recommend that you do not engage in any similar recruitment methods.
Cease Creating Extinction Level Events
You cannot maximise profits without an ozone layer.
I would have thought that this would be an unnecessary thing to point out, however, I am disturbed that a number of Cobra's campaigns would cause extinction level events that would completely eliminate any possibility of corporate sustainability. Eliminating all plant life, destroying the ozone layer, cavorting with Egyptian death gods, and turning humanity into mindless reptiles are not the best way to be competitive. If you don't have consumers, there is no point being the only game in town.
In Summation:
This concludes our audit of Cobra. We trust you will find the advice provided herein will help make your organization more successful and prosperous in the future. As per our agreement, I would like to see my wife and children again.
Yours Truly,
Hershem Rothman, CEO, CCA, Rothman and Associates
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