Once upon a time, CBR used to be a legitimate source for internet buzz on all things comic book. This was before they became part of "The Premium Network" a consortium of websites that include ScreenRant, TheGamer, TheClever (which is anything but), among others. They're all click-bait sites that slap together listicles that are so devoid of originality, calling them plagiarism would be an insult to the original writer where they cribbed the article from. The Premium Network -- by the way -- loads their sites with a shit ton of ads and design their websites in a "slideshow" format so you see more ads. It's lile the Buzzfeed of nerd culture. But hey, if you want to be a complete sucker, you can pay these assholes to make the ads go away, so you can enjoy their dreary content without nary an annoying add.

We like to call out website bullshit here at Trouble City, and today is CBR's turn. Since they are so fond of meaningless lists, I compiled one myself. However, I decided to stray from their typical slideshow format, because at least I have a tiny shred of dignity.

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5. Things You Didn't Know... (YOU DUMMY!)

Prime Offenders: 16 Characters You Never Knew Debuted On TV First,  Stan Lee: 15 Characters You Didn’t Know He Co-Created , Marvel vs. Capcom: 15 Things You Didn’t Know .

One of the most common articles the goofs at CBR like to write are "Didn't Know" articles. Simply put, they do two things: They rope in readers who are legitimately not as well read as the rest of us. The other thing is that it's a challenging statement to make to people who know their shit. 

One of the characters on the list is the Black Panther, of all characters! Does CBR exist in a world where there is no Google or Wikipedia? Has every copy of Fantastic Four #52 been destroyed and thereby eliminating any hope people will know that Stan Lee co-created the character?

You're going to notice a pattern with these things, thanks to the slideshow style of the page (only giving you one or two items on the list per page) they make you cycle through 15+ ad-laden pages. These articles are written for the uninitiated. If you have to be told that Stan Lee co-created nearly every character that debuted in the 1960s, then you're the target audience is either fond of finger painting, or survive thanks to a feeding tube. Seriously, you have to tell me that Daredevil was co-created by Stan Lee? You'd know this, at the very least, if you have a Netflix account.

Then it all ends with at least one obscure reference, that you could find if you went to any Wiki-based site that has a profile on Stan Lee. 

They offer you the possibility they might have something you didn't know and give nothing but fluff while subjecting you to advertisers who are also mining your data. 

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4. Things They Want You To Forget! (But Here it is!)

Prime Offenders: Dirty Little Secrets: 15 Odd Stories Marvel And DC Want Hidden, 15 Embarrassing Stories Image Comics Wants You To Forget , Pobody’s Nerfect: 15 Mistakes Marvel Tried To Cover Up *

Written like a deep exposé of the industry, these articles promise stuff that comic book producers want to hide or want people to forget. At the risk of repeating myself: This is all shit you could find on Google if you have 30 seconds to spare. Let's pick apart some examples of these shoddy articles....

If this was something so buried that nobody knows about, how the hell did CBR manage to get a scan of the thing? Oh right, you can look it up on Wikipedia. In fact, pretty much everything written here is cribbed from this source. Great research guys.

Creators rights are a huge deal in the comic book industry today, particularly because so many writers and artists of the golden/silver age of comics were screwed over. The industry made millions off the characters they created, while the content creators see nothing in the way of royalties. "Work for Hire" in the industry usually means "Living in Poverty" for a lot of old creators. It's the reason why things like the Hero Initiative exists. It's common knowledge how much shit that Jerry Siegle and Joe Schuster endured trying to get their fair share from DC Comics. So whenever something similar comes up, it's big news. But apparently, CBR thinks it is something that the industry is trying to cover up. Once again, Google is your friend....

So Marvel and Gary Friedrich settled out of court. How is this making it something they want people to forget? If you know anything about law, settling out of court is way less expensive than settling in court. Sure, settling out of court is not a matter of public record, but that doesn't mean Gary Friedrich got the upper hand or the shaft in this situation.

It's a simple matter of risk assessment: Is it going to cost more money to keep on fighting the situation in court, or would it just be easier to settle one-on-one? The reason why it is not a matter of public record is that it's none of your fucking business. That's the whole point. A court is dealt with by government, and therefore a public record must be kept. If someone said you owed them 50 bucks for a back alley handjob, would you want your dispute being subject to public scrutiny when you can sort it out in private?

There's no cover-up involved here, just a regular lawsuit.

An image comics series that fell behind schedule and eventually went into production limbo? What a shock! Considering all the titles that Rob Liefeld has tried to crank out, only to fall behind schedule and eventually give up on, this isn't a surprise. Rob Liefeld dropping a series is about consistent as his art is inconsistent. It's one of his signatures.

This article suggests that the above example and others are things that Image Comics want you to forget. When you're making statements that include "probably", "maybe", and so on, it is not reality. You're suggesting that these are things you think they'd want people to forget about. You're stating an opinion like it is fact, and poorly while you're at it. A more accurate title would be "15 Things Image Comics Should Be Embarrassed About"

The article 15 Mistakes Marvel Tried to Cover-Up was published on October 10, 2017. #15 on the list "Captain Hydra". This was written a month after the end of the Secret Empire event where the status quo is restored. Nary a mention is made of this and this entry doesn't add anything but a pop culture reference that is a stretch, at best. The writer was apparently still butthurt about a year old storyline, not realizing that Marvel does stuff like this all the time, only to restore the status quo after a time. If you don't believe me, pick up Marvel Legacy #1 and look at all the stuff they just undid, then shut the fuck up.

Number 9 in this same article is even more of a doozy:

You can tell the writer of this article either doesn't have reading comprehension skills or just doesn't understand character dynamics. The fact that they think World War Hulk was pointless because both Skaar and Caiera Oldstrong survived the destruction of Crown City misses the point. First of all, the Hulk is not exactly a character who is known for his critical thinking and keeping his emotions in check. Second, World War Hulk didn't happen just because his wife and kid were killed. An entire city was wiped out, the ecosystem of an entire planet was destabilized, and mass genocide was committed. Also, it was orchestrated by Mik so the Hulk would go after the Illuminati on Earth. Either the writer needs to work on their researching abilities, or they intentionally omitted all that information to make this entry sound more ridiculous than the ill-informed.

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3. Something, Something: Ranked!

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Biggest Offenders:   15 Versions Of Batman, Ranked From Weakest To Overpowered, 15 Overpowered Avengers, To the eXtreme: 15 X-Men Ranked blah blah blah, you get it, you get it

You've seen these sorts of arguments before. Which characters are stronger or weaker. Go on any forum about any sort of action orientated entertainment and you will see lengthy pissing contests about this sort of thing. 

The whole point of these articles is to say something you disagree with so you can click through all 15 pages and leave an angry post.

The worst are the ones that compare near omnipotent or god-like beings. Like you can measure the abilities of beings that have an infinite amount of resources.

If you're the type of person who wants to argue that Captain America has above peak human strength, then you're a sucker for these articles.

These articles are pointless. That's because any character you can think of have broken the "rules" about their abilities, strengths, and powers. There are always exceptions and there will be some internet asshat that will obsessivly focus on it.

I once got into an argument with someone about how powerful the Beyonder is. Are you cognizant of how stupid that sounds?

Here's the reason why all of these ranked articles are bullshit: artistic license. As long as the publisher signs off on it, the writer can do whatever they want. That's why in one issue Spider-Man can lift a limo and in another he has trouble lifting a two-door sedan. Do you honestly think writers care about every minutia? They don't. They want to tell a story, the finer details are window dressing.

It doesn't matter and reading these kinds of articles is a legitimate waste of your time on this Earth. 

2.  'Member the 90s? 'Member How Bad Dey Was?

Worst Offenders: 16 Superhero Trends From the 90's That Are Unacceptable Today, Superhero Costumes From the 90s (That Fans Hated), 15 Mistakes Marvel Made in the 90s That Still Haunt Them

Here's something that surprises nobody over 30: Comic Books in the 90s were shit. Or at least that is the general assumption. Admittedly, I can count the number of good stories from that era on one hand, but anything written on the subject is belabouring the point.

Here's a fucking shocker: if you look at any decade of comics, you will find shit that won't fly today. The racism of the 30s and 40s, the treatment of women until... well now... and the plethora of shit artists who drew shit amongst the greats. Don Heck's bullet bras were the Liefeld pouches of the 90s. Herb Tremp's down-syndrome faces and piano teeth were the neck veins of their time. Jack Kirby drew square fingers! How is that different than the fucked up proportions of the 90s?

Then there's the redundancy of these articles. All of them have the Captain America picture from Liefeld's horrid Heroes Reborn run. 

Okay, we get it, old stuff sucks. Our grandkids will be laughing at our cis gendered single raced super heroes in 50 years. Tell me something I don't fucking know already.

1. Most Attractive [blank]

Biggest Offenders: 15 Hulks You Want to Smash (seriously?), 15 Heroes Known for Being Hot Than Heroic, Super Hot: The 15 Hottest Comic Panels Ever

We live in interesting times. We're the most sexually liberated culture in history, yet, objectification is becoming more and more frowned upon. 

Yet here we are, CBR reducing itself to playing to the sticky sheets of pubecant teenagers. Credit where credit is due, at least some of the articles focus on men and women. Still, at the end of the day, objectification is objectification.

Look, I am not pious enough to dare say I don't objectify the gender of my choice. Anyone who can say that is a fucking lair, or a replicant that should be destroyed.

That said, if you're a "reputable" source of comic book news, you shouldn't reduce yourself to that sort of schlock for clicks.  

On the opposite end, readers, you are better than this. Are you seriously going to prime the pump or dig a trench for this sort of nonsense? We live in a day and age where porn is free and accessable. You don't need to get sexy time from a comic book website. At the very least crack out one of your comics from last week and rub one out on that. It's not like any comic post 1970 is ever going to be worth anything in your life time.

In Summation....

Only read from dignified sources, not this click bait bullshit. Sites like... Trouble City! Unless you're reading this 30 years in the future. Then click on the adds and feed our demonic corporate overlords.